The person was beautiful and saying she was like sun is an understatement and me being the climber with ears,I set my mind that I must climb her someday. This was not to be as I came to realize later. Anytime I asked her for lunch she say she has customer. Worst still she knew my first lady-to-be who used to buy clothes  from her place. So as any person with good head she knew I was for owners and any time I borrow she shy of and say “si uko na mama,hata nguo sa jana hakulipa” I would return in pocket and pay.
Later on I said bad is bad and threw my hands in the air and said I will never attempt to climb her. I shifted to another place and vowed never to set foot near her place. So last Sato I was very surprised when I was stuck in jam along Mombasa road.  I was coming from wedding at Kitengela at around 6pm with my First lady-to- be. Then I hear phone tititititi…titititi I check and see it call for ‘Shiru wa nguo’. There there I see danger cause first lady-to-be look me with bad eyes when I return phone in pocket without picking. My six sense told me to say something about it otherwise I was raising all suspicion..’Nikii utaroya thimu ya malaya ciaku? (why are you not lifting phone of your trappers?). That made my ears to close and all I could hear were sounds kiiiiiiiiii in my head and my heart started to beat in my mouth. Tongue became salty and I knew am finished.
Lucky for me jam traffic lights opened and I zoomed before she had added another word. Later I dropped her at reception of wedding at Karen. I stayed there till around 8pm and when I saw it would be boring like that till morning ideas started flocking my mind. I remembered I had refused to pick someones call that evening. So I removed my phone and hallad back. ‘pole nyuma handu kamucemanio ndingioire thimu….Ulikuwa unasemaje?’ (sorry I was in meeting) I told Shiru while fearing it was not money she wanted to borrow from me. ‘Salamu tu.Leo uko wapi? Ama ushapata company…? There there the devil entered my head and I decided to test her satan. ‘Niko pale uliniasha last time.Unawesa kam hivi tao?’ Its like she waited to hear that,she agreed and said I give her 1hr.
In my head I said I wont die with boredom at the evening party again. I beat car fire to town and called my to-be-first lady later. I told her my friend had an accident and I was off to see him and was not sure I would come back. She was in good hands with her sisters and they would go at her mothers tomorrow of that day.
>>>>>.FastForward>>>>>.
I dont know what devil entered my head but when I woke up yesterday morning there was a person in my bed. As usual the shock of being caught. Worse is that everybody in my plot where I stay knows my lady. So I woke the person up. It was evident I had climbed her. Not once not twice and she wanted another one before she leave but I insisted she must shower first. In my opinion I wanted her to dissapear fast. She took towel and went bathroom to shower. Moments later she came out crying like baby.
Her reasons she had seen panty of another person of out in the bathroom. I refused to know why she was complaining. Ooooh ati I cheated on her last night. She wanted to know whose panties were in my bathroom and clothes in the wordrobe. She cry cry while I sat on bed reading paper. I told her they were for my lady.what surprised me was that she had been caling other men when we were beating water last night in the club. Five minutes and phone tititi…tititit she go toilet to pick call. Another five minutes later tititi…tititiititi she go out for 30 minutes to talk with phone.All that and I never complained to her,then when she see panty she start making many noises.
At 12 I told her to leave.I refuse to even take her to stage to take Matatu to town.
This is why I will never understand persons of Nairobi. Unafunga mtu,mkiwa na yeye   anaongea na wanaume wengine kwa simu halafu mkifika kwa nyumba anapata una kamrembo mahali anaanza kuzusha.

Today I won’t beat you stories of giants but a real life experience I went through last year with my good friend Wanjohi. Maybe you have had another version from him. I know he never closes mouth about false ordeal we have been through. Both real or fake but I still like him as a friend anyway.
This one happened last year and its good you hear this from the source.
I tell you Kampala is where real party goes down. If you never step there you don’t know what is to party. In Kampala after darkness devil come down in full armour. If Tusker was sold there it would have real meaning of its motto ‘baada ya kazi’coz after 5pm people have nothing to think about except waragi and muclimbano. Waragi for those who don’t know is their local version of our chang’aa only that there they have no Mututho and people drink upto tomorrow.
So last year me and my friend wanjohi decided to visit the land where women protest by showing their brookies to the public. I suppose it’s their local version of Ester Murugi minister of internal displacement removing skirts. Only that the land of museveni women protest by showing their brookie and police are damn enough to touch small small like they want to climb. They should try it here for Iteere boys who never see brookside often.
I can’t really remember why we were leaving Nairobi for Kla but had idea to go survey what business could make us millionaires with the new EAC almost opening the region. But for me it was different, money or no money I was looking forward to climb there as I had heard many srories from my workmate who went to read Makerere.
Those days Makerere was No1 university East africa. I hear they went to school together with uncle of wanjohi who now leaves behind University of Nairobi.
When my workmate heard we going kla he told me ‘mutongoria Uganda niui niku kuu urenda guthii? Kuu ahiki makoragwo mekuo muno,matina manene na matiri mwitio. No wimenyerere karigi’ (Leader you is know Uganda? But persons there have big thutha and have no selfish with climbing. Aids is many) that statement made it worse especially when I hear person remove thuruari even to strangers and have no selfish like here.
All I was advised is to speak little Swahili and they start salivating like they have seen tourist. This was my last hope that assured me of muclibano bigtime in land of matoke.
A clever person has no given of news. The day came and I withdrew all my salary from bank to last coin. We board flight 540 and were there in Kampala in about 1hr 30min. We take taxi with wanjohi till Kampala Road and went to Sheraton hotel.
I could not stop staring at receptionist who was yellow yellow, good hair and chest like for borrowing. We book room for two people. We stay together for three days because we fear security. We got to room at around 4 pm and go to bath and rest small.
That eve at around 9pm we decide to go have supper. We left room and went to street and didn’t know where to go. So me being the brighter one of us called a bodaboda and try ask him direction. That’s when it dawn to me that in Kla they don’t speak swahili despite being in East Africa.
Plus their English can make teacher who taught me English of borrowing water faint. Heavy accent like that of full full condition played at classic 105. So I try small kiganda taught by my workmate ‘ssebo mussaja tugenda food’ and pointed stomach. He muffled something about Kenyans and rode away before I could say anything.
We walk small and I call another bodaboda who was chewing miraa many. I said the same thing and he gave us sign to hop on his bike. We rode for about 5 minutes and stop near a club called Calif. Outside was written nyama choma and immediately started walking in before he called us to pay. I gave him 20k Ugshs and he gave me 10k as my change.
I proceed to enter behind wanjohi. Inside we met many people Kenyans eating nyama choma. I soon got to understand Calif is a base for kenyans in Kampala though nyama is small and badly burnt compared to the one we eat at Magomano downtown of Nairobi.
We finish eat meat and ask for two two each for dropping meat in stomach. Lucky they stock Pilsner and Tusker before we try the local stuff. Soon I start to feel lonely and wanjohi read what I was up to. He point at two persons of out sitting next table and immediately ask waiter to give them what they were drinking. I see them smile and both rise to join our table. Later we learnt they are pupils of Kampala International University and were just about to leave.
We get to know each other small and drunk saved the moments as I gave them stories of giants. I pointed at my friend wanjohi and told one person sitted close to me in greek ‘Uyu niwe muriu wa wambui uria uiguaga,ithe niwe mutongoria witu na kwao ni Nyiri. (This is son of Wambui,dad is our leader and come from Nyeri’ I see person smile small and close one eye at me. Then I add ‘sisi ni wageni huku,turutaga wira na High Commission. Twi on a diplomatic mission’
Soon they tell us they want to show us where real party is. We take taxi to a place called kabalagala near Kampala International University. There clubs are many and we enter punchline pub. We drink small and this time persons were liking us small small.
I look at mine and we dance small then we sit down and I try to borrow things. She say she can bring me person to climb if I want since her month was almost. Short time pass and another person of out join us. She speaks only English and I call waiter to serve her. Money was no problem.
We drink many and enjoy ourselves with those persons. I look wanjohi with corner of my eye and I see him ok with his trapper. In kampala we do not do equal equal when buying beer. I ask for a round of two twos and my friend do same. We happy. Small time I switch and try drink Nile beer. I drink 1 and I get courage to borrow things from the kamganda person. I see she look me with vagina of eye and direct my hand to touch tiita small. I feel warmth and signal my friend we go room I want to climb. We boarded taxi and left for hotel at around 5 am.
We got to the hotel with all three persons. Beer is for devil but sometimes it saves many cowards like me. First I was able to borrow with my few English and allowed me to touch tiita in taxi and kiss that trapper small small. All her brookie was out with all bra open. I was almost climb her in car. We entered hotel and paid extra cash after begging manager to allow extra guests.
I was almost sure we would climb all together,after all bad hole is only for snake. We entered our rooms and I got busy with my person while wanjohi was busy with the other one. Only one who say have month remain untouched. What happened remains a story of another day. We woke up at 5 pm hungry and no clothes.
Room is empty with all money and phones gone. Those pesrons of out were nowhere to be seen. I tried remember what happened but where all head was blank. There was makobosto lying on the floor signs that we had at least climbed. Only that we refuse to know what really happened. We talk to manager of Hotel in shame and gave us food and phone to send money from Nairobi.
That night we walk to where calif was to try if we get those persons. There were many kenyans and couldnt tell if those trappers were there. Small time we tell waiter who served us last night our fate. He tell us many people come with a similar story everyday. Those two are among many Kenyans who go to uganda to read but end up dropping school. All they do is trap and steal from others who are new in Kampala.
For the next two days wanjohi kept blaming me for being hungry and wanting to climb strangers. Me I see no problem coz when you go to new country to visit the first thing you do is climb and feel if those persons are different from those at home. We stay in room and walk around Kampala small till money was sent through Akamba bus service. And thats how our trip was cut short In the land of wanting another rap.
Next time i go there I must get those trappers and buy them beer coz they played swift and stole from us.
Yours Truly

If there is anything I fear most in this country its persons of out from Karumaindo. I know some of you is member there. It’s a brothel anyway just like those massage porluors in Nairobi’s leafy suburb estates .Only that at karumaindo there is no niceties and beating around bush about massaging which at last lead to muclimbano.
Sabina joy is located down town along Moi avenue street. Its also known as Hall 14 by pupils of Nairobi University. I hear some finish degree when leaving in SJ. Its common to new pupils from upcountry who want to see thurari after drinking cheap liqours downtown and want to climb for less cash.
There you go when you want to climb, bargain,pay then  ramnya. PERIOD. Either of the places you stand a chance of getting muneck and dying.
Mine is from an ordeal I went through a few years ago that always make my nyees go stomach every time I remember. Here is my story so that next time you want to climb don’t think of karumaindo.
It was around 2009. Those times I run dry of persons to climb. It’s like all persons tell each other to refuse me near their tiita. Everytime I try borrow person they give me many excuse or run away before I reach point of borrowing. Another time I drink pupil of UoN beer and meat of burnt at Magomano TomMboya street only for her to refuse go room for me to climb.
This and many others left me desperate for muclimbano although sometimes I go Sabina Joy and get one shoti for 200 my thirst is not finish.
Those trappers of karumaindo are like of devil. Another day I enter there around 5 a.m morning. I had drunk with another person till 3 am only for them to run away when am so drunk. So devil enter me and I say I can’t go home without climb. I go to karumaindo and spot one.For those who have been there you know trick. First you go to urinal where you meet trappers lined up on the corridor. You keep eye contact and when you spot one you like, close for them one eye and they follow you.
I spotted one and signal her to follow. We stood at a corner and I asked ‘Leo shoti ni ngapi?’ . She says 400. I tell her 200. She refuses and I say it’s not soap it will finish. I talk her bad and say am not going home with it.We settle on 300 and 100 is for room. I buy makobosto 50shs and we enter small room and she closed door. First rule when you enter room is to pay. I removed wallet and gave her 300.
I make sure she see am left with 200 in wallet so that she rub thought of stealing from me. Those days trappers there put medicine when you start to ramnya. You sleep till tomorrow and when you hear yourself you have been stolen even clothe of inside ( nguo ya ndani ama ngotha)
I try to touch brookie small to warm her and she says ‘matiti ni shakula ya watoto.kama unataka romance ongesa pesa’ . I stopped touching touching and remove clothes. This time she had removed all even ‘kamenyereri’ was lying on the floor. She come to touch my josto small and tear makobosto. I asked her if she give blow job and she responded ‘sirabi boro’. I knew my effort had hit stone. I make sure makobosto is rolled on my tree properly.
Moments later she jump on bed and put saliva on  hands. She then start touching tiita small to make it easy to enter. This was followed with ‘fanya haraka kuna raini inje’ statement. All this time my tree was red hot and I was almost pouring with anxiety. I join her in bed and point my josto to her kamonie. I close eyes and waited for warmth that come when one is entering for the first time. But where? my zig zag enter nyweeee like there is no brake. My josto could not feel the walls of her tiita even small.
It was like putting small spoon in a bowl. Am not saying my josto is small but the wideness was way beyond my capacity to feel warmth. It’s like when mechanics of Grogon garage try to put a big nut to a small bolt that has finished teeth.All ndae’s  of that hole had finished long time ago.
I opened my eyes to see if I had entered and I see person close her eyes. I assumed that was the biggest zig that had entered her for days. Though on my part I was climbing an ocean. I tried to pump small but  nothing was coming. I removed josto small to see hole properly. Then I enter again and this time round I pump many. The trapper opened her legs 180 degrees for me to enter. She step on the wall with one leg and the other stretched to the other side of the bed.
Those days I used to eat many trappers and was familiar with their trick. First they open for you for about 3 minutes to enjoy climbing for your money. When they see you not pour like fast chicken,they start saying mbuss small small. Then she mix small mbuss with twist of her waist. Or she kuiniria for you small.If you pump for 2 more minutes without pouring she says your money has finished.
I tried to put in head all the pictures of good persons I had seen. I try to imagine I was climbing tiita of our  secretary where I work. She had a nice thutha with thuruare draw on her butt cheeks. She wear tight clothes and her camel toe made me okia small when in office. I had tried to borrow her small but I saw threat of me being rubbed job since mdosi was climbing her big time. I try imagine I was on top of her but nothing could make me pour.
Beer is of devil and all those we who drink will go to satan. I start imagining I was climbing that pupil of university who disappeared from me. I try to turn her for doggie style but she refused an said ‘mastailo pelekea bibi’. Trappers her way of making a man remove money. She told me ‘ongesa mbao nitingise kidogo’. I say I add 50 bob and she shake for me when am ramnyaring.
True to her words she tingisa and I feel good. The she stop and tell me ‘ongesa mia nipige nduru wasikie wewe no jogoo’. I say I add her 50 bob again.This time I hear trapper start to say mbuus many.’vura vura biu vura biu giitii na mavindi’ ( translated-beat it beat it like it has no bones) then mbuss uuuh uuh aaah aaahh mmmm mami mami. That made me tighten my balls and I pour first joti.
The  trapper lay for few second s and told me to remove josto slowly to prevent makobosto bursting. Me and my fear of muneck I remove slowly and make sure condom had not bursted. Then I roll my josto with tissue and remove makobosto. Person stand up step with one leg on the floor and the other leg step on bed and clean her tiita with tissue.
I pull up my trousers and put back my jacket ready to leave room. She told me to wait for her to wear clothes and after she finish she say we leave. The killer was when she told me ‘kama ni tamu elesa rafiki umlete kesho aonje asari’
I stepped on the corridor and felt my knees weakened from the one joti I had poured. I think its because I was too drunk or I had forced myself to pour which is unlike me.. I say I urinate before I leave karumaindo so that I go home. Just when I was about to enter urinal I saw the shock of my life. This one made me refuse to go back again to eat trappers from that day. There infront of me was, my uncle bargaining with the trapper I had just climbed.
I stood for about 3 seconds still shocked and wondering what to do. Even before I could turn and hide he tapped my shoulder and told me ‘ii nimaitho ndaira kana uyu ti muriu wakwa Theuri? Kai onawe ukaga guku wauma kiarafu kunywa?‘ (Is me lost eye or did I see Theuri? Even you pass here after drunk?) I did not know what to say. Before I could give him my reason of being there he added ‘rekenjarie na momo ino, irenda Magana matatu na ndina igana rimwe. Maraya Maguire bei.Twihamwe muno wee.’ (Let me bargain with this trapper, she wants 300 and me have 100. Trappers are cheap. We meet tomorrow) then he followed that person of out.
I felt relieved and urine disappear.I enter urinal and try to force myself to remove small but out of tension nothing was coming out. I stood there till people tell me to leave I stay too much and they want to use urinal. I made up my mind to go and refuse uncle to climb. I look for him all place but he was nowhere. So I ask watchman if he seen him go upstairs to room. He say yes and I tell him we are together.
He allow me to go upstairs. I meet him standing at stairs bargaining with the trapper I had just climbed. He was standing holding her close to chest. He had lifted her skirt to waist and his hand was inserted in her thuruari. I could tell he had inserted one finger and trapper was liking it. She was also stroking his josto in trouser small which told me my uncle was not stranger  there.
I tip toed towards them and I hear her accuse my uncle of climbing many times without paying her. He was pleading for one joti and salary was near so he would pay her soon. When person see me she hide her face . This sent signal to my uncle that we were not new to each other.  I ask him if he was ok because I wanted us to go home. He say every man come on his own and I mind my business. I left them and back I hear trapper whisper to him that I climb her once that night.
That was the last day I ate trappers of karumaindo. I said bad is bad but I will not eat same hole with my uncle or family member especially if it’s for trappers. Although am not sure if he still go there but anytime we meet he tell me ‘wee wingui muno, ndikariganirwo ni wariire mumaraya wakwa wee. No ndithuemukonyo’ (you is dog. You climb my trapper. I can scratcth my mokonyo for you)
Whats your experience with trappers of Nairobi. tell us your story.
Yours truly
Theuri.

First let me salute all those who have taken their time to visit TheuriDiary. I know you is handworking Kenyans and this blog is part of vision 2030.It has been great support from all those who have taken time to read my dairy posts. I remove my cap for you. Keep fire burning as I continue to tell you my dairy escapades.
Secondly, todays post has a disclaimer-it’s not meant for the faint hearted and the following are advised to stop further reading. Those who’s trees stand with the slight mention of tiita,thuthas ,brookside or naked persons. Those person of out who after reading muclimbano stories want to be climbed but end up beating themselves either with fingers or toys. People of Kismayu coz they would turn my life past tense if they hear how I climbed their woman. I hear they stone till death. If it’s true I hope we never meet.
I would be biased of telling my stories if me go without telling about how I climbed Somali woman sometimes ago. This was the best hole I ever planted my tree. I see many holes but this one was way beyond being called hole. Although grandpa tell me when am young never to boast of climbing a good tiita but this one is worth boasting. Every time I want to pour I put picture of this kamonie in head and pour fast. This is how it all unfolded.
Wanjohi has never told you about time when I stay in Eastleigh section 4. I stay there after shylock business showed me dust. I was almost become scratcher of skin.Before then I stay Hurlingam when shylock business is good but after losing money to conmen I lower heart and go to Eastleigh. It’s said a man is of many thunders and that time I was going through hard time.
I even lost from my friends for a while coz I was broke. Calling me a church mouse would be an understatement. That time I even quit beer and Magomano even forget how I look like coz I never step there. Another time Wanjhi call me we do equal equal but I refuse to pick phone. Life was hard on my part only that blessings come knocking small small.
I go to leave there coz house is cheap and landlord we come from same village. The great village of Kigogoine. Only for him he work hard and build plot. He allowed me to enter house without deposit since me and him is wathiomo. That plot I stay am the only one who is not Somali. All people are Somalia and there is many noise. People don’t sleep at all till tomorrow but make many noise.
What I never missed to notice was my immediate neighbour who was Somali. Woman was wearing buibui all day and night. I hear husband went to visit Somali 1 year ago but has not return. She leave alone with no baby.This woman spent whole day in house and only come out when she wash cloth or go shop. I minded my own business since I have many problems to think about.
Many time I see her looking through the window when an coming out bathroom. As usual bathroom for plot was located at the corner and people make line when they want to shower. I catch her with corner of my eye peeping at me many times.
One Saturday afternoon I come home tired and frustrated when a deal I was chasing failed to ripen. I went home and vowed to sleep till Monday. My weekend had been destroyed. I reach home and put myself on bed small and sleep start to come . Then I heard a knock on the door. First is not sure it’s mine but when a second one come I wake up and go to check.

She went to the bedroom as I watched in vain t.v searching for the local channels. Moments later she emerger and what I saw almost make my eyes lost. I turn blind for few minutes and when I look t.v I see dark screen. I could not imagine the person was enter room without cloth. Even Kamenyereri was not wear.
Her brookie was stand like hand of clock pointing 12. They stand straigt like horns of our cow when I live in village. Pointed nipples sorrounded by black spot. All body is yellow like sun. it was like sun dawn on her fast in the morning and make her so yellow yellow. Hair fallen on her back till it touch thutha small. I counted this as one way of God remember I was alive.
>>>>Fast forward>>>>>>
It was not my intention to eat person that day. However I felt my josto getting tight and wanted to put hand in pocket when she was not seeing and align my zigzag for better comfort. She come and catch my hand and made me stand up. She gave me small kisses that immediately sent me heaven. I said bad is bad I must climb this one. I led her to her bedroom.
We knelt on the mattress facing each other.It was nice feeling her soft thuthas as my josto fumbled for the slit of her tiita whish I avoided teasingly. She slowly grabbed it by base, And then stole a glance down there and I saw a twitch of surprise on her face. I must admit I don’t have the so called 9 inches if any exists but I was just her match. Instead of directing it in she let the riang’a do the walking. I felt my zig zag touch her clit and could not resist to penetrate.
I enter my josto and immediately started felling the warmth of her tiita. I pump small then increase my pace.She shyly slowed me down as I was too fast. I slowly moved my hands from her butt upwards to support her mid back as I inched myself inside her. My josto had the right to curve inside and penetrate upwards in that position. My mind went blank as I felt my riang’a part the lips of a fairly tight,hot tiita. It was nice,moist,soft just the right texture.
We rythimicallyrocked for about 10 minutes. Her emotions woke up and she drifted from the mechanical neighbour I was to real emotions climbing. I saw her eyes close small and felt her grab my back tighter. I slowed down to briefly enable her to absorb whatever the feeling she felt.
She became feeble and easily rolled on her back as I ensued gently,supporting and helping her to adjust her legs. Momentarily josto slipped out and she gasped for breath and she drew me back this gave me an opportunity to confirm it was me eating that hole. There I was with a nice lady below my chest between my arms, I supporting her from behind the shoulders with my nyees resting firmly on her labia.
I admired her round face and nice fragnant. My buried josto hardened further given the deepest penetration I was getting from that position. I withdrew halfway as I tried not to pour. At that moment I peeked under her top with my right hand and felt her smooth breasts with hard nipples as she invitingly curled forward to loosen the top.
I regained composure and resumed my rhythmic,slow,deep thrusts amid soft sighs from her. For the next moments it was real muclimbano as she hissed with each thrust,with her nail dug in my butt,her legs apart at just the perfect angle for deep penetration. I realised that with just a little more pressure, I could feel the hilt lightly with the tip of my zig and I saw a shiver run through her,which drove me wild. After another 5 minutes or so in missionary position she got wild and I felt her legs do all sorts of gymnastics but I gave her no resting period. Soon she gave up and collapsed.
I pump small and pour for the first time. Then it occurred to me O had not used makobosto. Pictures of me having muneck stated reflecting in my head. I look at her face and I see she doesnt look to have muneck. I ask her if I leave and she hold my hand. She come on top of me and we climb another round.
That sato afernoon we climb many times till night come. She cooked for me wali and biriani and I get energy to eat her again and again. I left her house on monday morning. She tell me her husband had stay for so long. She was only climbed kwa nyeni by the husband. I was the second one to eat her tiita since she broke virgin.
Though I did not stay there for long coz I move ut after 3 months I climb her many times in her house. Her housband return and I see danger of being caught and my nyees removed by him. One day I call her in my room and I climb her for the last time. The following day when she go market I remove from that house in like closing of an eye and move to umoja.
Since then I never step back there again.
Am yours,
Theuri .

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